Let me start off by saying: Many apologies for the hypocrisy. Ok, let’s do this.
What I reply with: “I’m good, and you?” What people hear: “Tell me everything about your life, do not miss any single detail!”
— Cⁿ (@Ckay0) October 9, 2013
I’m a firm believer that whining is what makes the world go round. I myself am an active complainer and I can pull the “yeah she’s totally a bitch, no you handled it perfectly!” routine in my sleep. But the more I attempt to break into good ol’ adulthood (lol) the less tolerant I’m becoming towards the overly dramatic gents out there. You really don’t need to be a starving kid in Africa to get a taste of sweet sweet nagging but sometimes, you really need to take a step back and assess just how much complaining one problem deserves.
So, i present you with 4 examples of unacceptable conduct that hopefully will serve as a stepping stone to help you help us not murder you, since clearly the whole “Your problems are bigger in your head” thing has completely lost all meaning.
#1 The post party depression
You went to a party you were pretty excited about. In a rather predictable turn of events it turned out to be a bust. It was just so bad. There was barely any room to stand. The DJ played basic garbage. Kenit kella wled!!
Why would you ever think I’d be in any way interested in a sorted list of everything that disappointed you? Unless we specifically request a list of everything that went bad we hold the right to walk out on the conversation. I can literally turn around and walk away. I refuse to hear anything more about how much l vodka kenit madroubeh.
#2 The Cliché
It’s really simple: Whenever you feel overworked, overbooked, running out of time or like you have too much on your plate: Give up instead of talking about it. If that sounds like an awful solution: Work instead of talking about it. This is a universal problem, you’re really not the unique little snowflake you think you are. (Just the messenger!)
#3 The Rachel
It’s unacceptable to whine about your new haircut. “He ruined my hair! That asshole cut it too short, too medium, too average, too weird”. Do you feel the need to slouch your way through life now sobbing and basically fainting at the mention of “Bonne Coupe”?
Honestly, it’s pretty much solely your fault it crapped out. Neither I, nor society, can accept incessant whining about something that could have been easily avoidable had you been more in control of the situation. We’re all familiar with the salon-syndrome. We all know coiffeurs are physically incapable of honoring the simple “Please ma t2asserle” request. If you still haven’t caught on to that and still don’t go equipped with a Powerpoint presentation and micromanage every snap of those scissors then frankly you deserve awful hair. I do not feel bad for you. I hope you end up with the Rachel. (Just kidding, Rachel is god)
#4 The Cherry
Last but not least, this gem:
You’re an hour into listening to someone talk about a seemingly big problem of theirs. They’ve told the story so vividly and articulately that you’re now captivated by the plot and completely invested in their problem, you don’t mind their whining anymore. Poor thing, their sky is falling! They’re allowed to whine as much as they want. Ne22eh habibteh, ne22eh.
So, after an appropriate amount of time, out of the kindness of your heart (call the vatikan!) you go inquire about that over dwelled upon, often told and retold problem, the one they’ve made you care so much about and feel so bad for. But you end up standing there mouth agape and staring at them when they say: “Huh? Oh yeah that! No no it’s all fixed, turns out it was nothing.” Pause and count to ten. Son of a. You made it look like such a big deal! Did you whine-trick me? That’s just super.
Bonus: The solution
Put a whining limit for yourself. Call it something cute like señor FluffyNag. Start with allowing yourself 2 hours of whining per day. Literally time yourself. And day by day lower that limit until we hit a socially acceptable amount.
I really hope we’ve all learned some valuable lessons here. Ok, I’ll go be a hypocrite somewhere else now.
PS: Best BEST friends don’t count, nagging is part of the deal.