I text and drive, I’m an idiot.

Let’s blame it on society.

I drive and answer texts and when I look up I miss hitting the other car by a single millimetre. Why the hell did he stop so abruptly anyway? Idiot.

I drive and feel my car veering to the side by itself, and I know any minute I’m going to hit the car next to me but I consciously decide to continue texting and only steer it back to its right direction at the last possible second. Because come on I have to finish my text. What? My friends already saw I was online! What if they thought i was avoiding them? We wouldn’t want that…

I drive and see a guy waiting to cross the street about 20 meters away, I assume he wouldn’t do it, continue texting and risk killing him. Hey, it’s worked so far! Two years, zero murders. Congratulations, self! But if anything should happen, I reassure myself with the fact that it’ll be completely his fault for jumping in front of me. His dead self will probably pay for my therapy bills when I go into shock.

I’m standing in traffic, texting of course, and don’t notice the cars in front of me have already moved. The cars behind me annoyingly honk because I made them late for their work, schools, appointments, etc, etc. Bitches, am I right?

I drive by an officer, and continue texting; he’s never going to stop me. Let’s be honest, I’m a girl the risk of him giving me a ticket is zero to none. Plus he obviously doesn’t care, so why should I? I’m definitely not endangering myself or anybody. Maybe I’d reconsider it if they stopped me, but since they’re not going to I might as well enjoy myself. Why should I follow a law nobody cares about? It’s not like I have anything to gain from this. I’m no idiot you know.

I don’t want anybody getting the impression that I only send texts and never receive any! Actually I have an epic trick for reading messages in your moving car, check it out: I heighten the brightness and fit the phone on the dashboard in front of me right below eye level so that it looks like I’m driving and looking straight ahead when I’m actually just reading stuff off my phone. That way the people with sticks up their asses in the cars next to me won’t judge me. Smart huh? I’m a genius.

This one might be a little bad: so I’m driving with cars all around me and notice a turn up ahead, I have the phone in one hand (and have no intention of putting it down) and the other hand is on the steering wheel. I don’t have the best upper body strength and my hands are pretty weak so I can’t really steer the wheel enough with one hand for it to turn all the way along the curve, so I just twist it as much as I can (30% mostly) and quickly remove my hand from the wheel and re-put it just as fast and continue twisting it thus turning it the remaining 70% of the way. At this point the car has lost its balance multiple times and has stopped or twisted left or right enough times to risk hitting the cars at my sides or the ones behind me. But I didn’t drop my 700$ phone. Yay.

You do stuff like that too don’t you? It’s okay we can admit it to each other, we’re all the same. Look at this rate, I give it 5 years before we’ve either killed someone or have been killed. But it’s fine, it’s completely okay. If the government won’t do anything more severe to put a stop to it I’m not either, and you shouldn’t too. Whatever you do, do not under any circumstance try to be the change you want to see in the world.

Text my idiot friend, text.

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